Science of Grief
Richard died three months ago and just as I’m starting to expect things to get better, they seem to be getting worse. Obviously, grief doesn’t operate on a linear curve. The surprising thing is depression. I’ve lived most of my life with people who have been officially diagnosed with depression, or probably should have been. I never really understood it even though I tried and hope I was at least somewhat empathetic about it.
I’m a sanguine person, a glass-half-full, no-point-crying-over-spilled-milk, Sagittarian- with-a-smiley-sun-in-Jupiter-type of person. I believe in letting go and getting on with it; making lemonade when life hands you lemons. But, in the past few weeks I’ve noticed a niggling sense of meaninglessness taking root … and rational thinking, counting my many blessings and working harder don’t seem to be making it go away.
It’s hard to make sense of these feelings. I have a rich life and hundreds of things I want to do. I understand that there is a gaping hole in my life and expect to feel sad but meaninglessness puzzles me. The only thing that’s different in my life is my husband is gone. I still have work that challenges and engages me. Art calls to me, young grandchildren delight me, the land around me lifts my spirit. Which brings me back to depression and reminds me of conversations I’ve had with people who suffer from that condition and the lack of understanding I had for how they could possibly feel meaninglessness when they had so many things to live for. I now have a tiny inkling of how they must feel and am very sorry that I wasn’t able to be more understanding before.
I guess depression shouldn’t have been a surprise and could possibly be seen as a positive sign since it’s the fourth stage of the grief cycle (Kubler-Roth’s model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) however a new study from JAMA, supports some of the stage theory while also contradicting some basic elements. Here’s a brief from the abstract:
Counter to stage theory, disbelief was not the initial, dominant grief indicator. Acceptance was the most frequently endorsed item and yearning was the dominant negative grief indicator from 1 to 24 months postloss. In models that take into account the rise and fall of psychological responses, once rescaled, disbelief decreased from an initial high at 1 month postloss, yearning peaked at 4 months postloss, anger peaked at 5 months postloss, and depression peaked at 6 months postloss. Acceptance increased throughout the study observation period. The 5 grief indicators achieved their respective maximum values in the sequence (disbelief, yearning, anger, depression, and acceptance) predicted by the stage theory of grief.
Yearning is the stage that replaces bargaining and feels much more appropriate for me. But none of this seems to be clear “stages” but rather a blending of all of them at once with some getting bigger while others are getting smaller. Right now yearning and depression seem to be getting bigger while disbelief is fading. Anger is only occasionally peeking into the scene and acceptance is hopefully waiting in the wings.
Here's a short video that inspires and reminds us of the goodness of the human spirit and the power of leadership. 200 horses stranded on a small island were unable to make it to land, even when the waters subsided enough to cross safely. However, with leadership ... well you need to watch the video. I know I'm in an emotional state these days, but this one made me weep. Be sure to turn up the sound.
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